Light Peeking Through Dark Clouds

It creeps over me like a dark grey cloud and through the slight transparencies I can see hope on some days. On the very dark days, I am hope-less. I feel guilt for these feelings of being useless, sad and dull. I don’t really know why I feel this way, and it is so difficult to answer loved ones when they ask me why I am depressed. The only answer I can give is “I don’t know”. 

 I’m a visionary; a dreamer. I look often to the future and the positive changes that will come. The weakness of this strength is that sometimes I don’t take the time to live in this moment. I have so many hopes, dreams, goals and ambitions. They are all swimming chaotically inside my head. Many times I feel overwhelmed with all that I would like to do, but I don’t find the time to start something. Daily life and distractions get in the way, but more often the dark cloud called Depression will haunt me and swallow my dreams with discouragement.

The cloud has been darkening over my days for a few years now. It has slowly, over the last ten years, become dense and thick and I can barely see through it. I live my days with regret, worthless feelings and intense anger. It’s effected every aspect of my life; my family, friends, work and hobbies.

There is however, hope to come. 

I thank God for the gifts He has given me. The many things I want for my future can be reached. Hope through Him is far stronger than the dark cloud of Depression. While it feels like breaking through the low laying layers of grey is going to take months of work; the glimmer of light on the distant mountain is worth the climb.

A New Chapter

2015…this was going to be her year. The events of last year seemed only a distant memory now, parts of it almost a nightmare. She had spent the last few days writing down goals and hopes for the future. Many changes would need to happen and motivation was key. The very word was somewhat foreign after a year of heavy depression, anxiety, and loss of a desire for life. She recalled how she had made a plan at the same time last year to end her existence. Most of the evenings she had drunk enough to numb her negative mind and would fall asleep at a much later hour than the rest of the house.

The best part of last year was that she had dried up. It had been 94 days since her last drink, the night before she left for rehab. She still craved alcohol, tempted to give in occasionally, but she felt so much better without it. She was moving on; away from the sadness, anger and unhappiness from prior years. Health, happiness, dreams and success were on the road ahead. She needed to do it, to prove she deserved it and that she could.

How to find that motivation? That was the challenge. In the past she found that drive by showing others she could. This time, it must be different. She wanted to do this for her, but more importantly, she wanted to live her life for God. She mostly had a rocky relationship with Him but she wanted that to change along with the other things in life. She wanted to grow closer to and follow Him toward whatever He had in store for her and her family.