I want to begin this month of November by recording what makes me glad. I have so much and for that I am truly thankful! This morning I am so thankful for the extra hour of sleep I got with the time change. And since we all got more sleep we were able to make it to Sunday school class before church. There was a guest speaker today who came from Iraq as a persecuted Christian. Her message was educational and inspiring. I am thankful that we live in a place where I can freely proclaim Christ as the Savior.
This image is from Illustrated Faith #gratitudedocumented
I have often found I am hugely anxious when it comes to car problems. We live in the country, where it is imperative to own a working car. We also have a large family and must drive a seven seater, at the least. Our mini-van has been having problems ever since the extended warranty expired (of course). We took it to the mechanic yesterday to find out that the needed repairs will cost more than the van is worth. A series of emotions welled up, but the most noticeable was doubting God’s love for me. I was worried about this need, and while trying to figure out a way to solve it, I was muttering little prayers under my breath, like “God, please help us make a good decision.” Or “Please bless us.”
While stress eating last night, I had this angry feeling rage against me that God hates me. We had just gotten our tax return and now we have to spend most of it on transportation. I would much rather spend it on the house, a mission trip or save it for college. My dear husband reminded me that God doesn’t hate me, or our family. He loves us and is teaching us to trust Him.
We decided to look for an inexpensive used car rather than pump more money into the clunker we drive. This morning, while I was sleeping, DH found a private seller online and contacted him about meeting this afternoon. We bought the used van in better condition for less than the repair cost of our old one. The family selling it are almost empty nesters with no need for an extra van. They wanted a quick sale for a cross country trip to move their son starting a new career. I am praying that the deal will be a blessing for both us and them. And that car troubles will no longer a cause for worry and anxiety, at least for a while.
It creeps over me like a dark grey cloud and through the slight transparencies I can see hope on some days. On the very dark days, I am hope-less. I feel guilt for these feelings of being useless, sad and dull. I don’t really know why I feel this way, and it is so difficult to answer loved ones when they ask me why I am depressed. The only answer I can give is “I don’t know”.
I’m a visionary; a dreamer. I look often to the future and the positive changes that will come. The weakness of this strength is that sometimes I don’t take the time to live in this moment. I have so many hopes, dreams, goals and ambitions. They are all swimming chaotically inside my head. Many times I feel overwhelmed with all that I would like to do, but I don’t find the time to start something. Daily life and distractions get in the way, but more often the dark cloud called Depression will haunt me and swallow my dreams with discouragement.
The cloud has been darkening over my days for a few years now. It has slowly, over the last ten years, become dense and thick and I can barely see through it. I live my days with regret, worthless feelings and intense anger. It’s effected every aspect of my life; my family, friends, work and hobbies.
There is however, hope to come.
I thank God for the gifts He has given me. The many things I want for my future can be reached. Hope through Him is far stronger than the dark cloud of Depression. While it feels like breaking through the low laying layers of grey is going to take months of work; the glimmer of light on the distant mountain is worth the climb.
2 Chronicles 20:6 “Lord, the God of our ancestors, are you not the God who is in heaven? You rule over all the kingdoms of the nations. Power and might are in your hand, and no one can withstand you.”
I have tried and failed many times at controlling my world. The more I tried to gain control the more it spun out of my hands. I need to resign as ruler and admit my powerlessness over everything. I am constantly forgetting who is in control and mistakenly try to be. Oh, I could give you so many of examples of how often I am spinning.
With five children at home, no matter how organized I am, each morning is crazy. There is always someone who has misplaced something, something breaking, arguments, paperwork, messiness and chaos. By the time the last bus pulls away from the front of the house, I am left feeling dizzy!
I need to remember to give it all to God, and trust that only He can renew me. If I leave it up to myself, I end up going in the wrong direction almost every time.
2015…this was going to be her year. The events of last year seemed only a distant memory now, parts of it almost a nightmare. She had spent the last few days writing down goals and hopes for the future. Many changes would need to happen and motivation was key. The very word was somewhat foreign after a year of heavy depression, anxiety, and loss of a desire for life. She recalled how she had made a plan at the same time last year to end her existence. Most of the evenings she had drunk enough to numb her negative mind and would fall asleep at a much later hour than the rest of the house.
The best part of last year was that she had dried up. It had been 94 days since her last drink, the night before she left for rehab. She still craved alcohol, tempted to give in occasionally, but she felt so much better without it. She was moving on; away from the sadness, anger and unhappiness from prior years. Health, happiness, dreams and success were on the road ahead. She needed to do it, to prove she deserved it and that she could.
How to find that motivation? That was the challenge. In the past she found that drive by showing others she could. This time, it must be different. She wanted to do this for her, but more importantly, she wanted to live her life for God. She mostly had a rocky relationship with Him but she wanted that to change along with the other things in life. She wanted to grow closer to and follow Him toward whatever He had in store for her and her family.