Sexual sin is a tricky thing. It seems to haunt and hang, dark and daunting. My past is riddled with many regrets and shame. The other day, after reading a few chapters in the book Pathway to Purpose for Women (by Katie Brazelton), I did some repenting. There have been many many times I have asked for forgiveness from God for my sins, but this time something clicked. Because I truly meant it, and really trust that the Lord loves me, I am finally able to forgive myself. I also asked for His help to keep me from falling back into my past. My counselor told me a few weeks ago that forgiveness has many layers; many steps to work through. I didn’t really understand what he meant, but I think now I am beginning to. I am peeling back layers from the past through today. And I must remember to ask the Lord for help every day.
And you know, this might be a little TMI, but I want to share His blessings. I made love to my husband yesterday and I had zero guilty feelings, thoughts or fantasies. I enjoyed it and thanked God for the gift of my husband, my sexuality and my body. I felt loved and I felt free.
Praise God for His merciful love!
I have often found I am hugely anxious when it comes to car problems. We live in the country, where it is imperative to own a working car. We also have a large family and must drive a seven seater, at the least. Our mini-van has been having problems ever since the extended warranty expired (of course). We took it to the mechanic yesterday to find out that the needed repairs will cost more than the van is worth. A series of emotions welled up, but the most noticeable was doubting God’s love for me. I was worried about this need, and while trying to figure out a way to solve it, I was muttering little prayers under my breath, like “God, please help us make a good decision.” Or “Please bless us.”
While stress eating last night, I had this angry feeling rage against me that God hates me. We had just gotten our tax return and now we have to spend most of it on transportation. I would much rather spend it on the house, a mission trip or save it for college. My dear husband reminded me that God doesn’t hate me, or our family. He loves us and is teaching us to trust Him.
We decided to look for an inexpensive used car rather than pump more money into the clunker we drive. This morning, while I was sleeping, DH found a private seller online and contacted him about meeting this afternoon. We bought the used van in better condition for less than the repair cost of our old one. The family selling it are almost empty nesters with no need for an extra van. They wanted a quick sale for a cross country trip to move their son starting a new career. I am praying that the deal will be a blessing for both us and them. And that car troubles will no longer a cause for worry and anxiety, at least for a while.